Happy Wednesday

I am very happy today. The weekend is halfway over and it is bright and sunny. DH noticed that I have been happy for the last couple of days. Glad he does not ask why. I had the best catch up conversation with my best friend. We caught up on so much. Old friends, family and just great chats. It really reminded me why he was always in my life. I can be me around him. I can be the person I always was. Not the housemom who just sits and waits on the family. We can laugh about all the stupid stuff I have done. I love the whole remember when you did this…. We are planning to meet for lunch soon and I can not wait.  Sometimes when I hear an old song, it will take me back and sometimes make me sad. Now I can smile and laugh at what we were doing back then. It has only been a couple of days and I can feel all my spirits up!

Best Friend Part II

I have decided to be a part of my best friends life. I guess this means I will now sneak around.  Once I decided I wanted my best friend in my life again, I felt so much better. I slept like a baby. We have so much to catch up on. I have so much to tell him about the kids. The boys are playing sports now and he will get a kick out of that. We may not be able to hang out like before, but I plan on meeting him for lunches. And we can talk during the day when I am home alone. We will start there.  I bet I get caught pretty quick. We shall see.

Best Friend

My best friend forever in my life was a guy. My husband ran him off. He called today after 3 years. I cried like a baby. We went to 1st grade together. We were best friends forever. He was there everytime I buried someone in my family, when I got married and each time my kids were born. I love him with all heart. I miss him more than words can say. He knew EVERYTHING about me. He misses me too. He is getting married for the second time and wanted me to know. I am still crying.

Betrayal

Many years ago, I kind of almost sorda ruined someone’s life. We were young and stupid. This person was a good friend of mine. I am not a trusting person. Well here is why. I did something horrible to this person. I outed them. I mean really ruin your life outed them. Not the way you think, I outed them to a spouse, told them they cheated/ A spouse who was very angry. There was no turning back, it was just over. I have carried many years of guilt for this. This person’s life turned out pretty damn good but damn can you imagine. Your best friend turns on you. In my defense this person had done some pretty messed up stuff to me but I did the worst thing a person could do. This person did try to get back at me but you know how it goes. He who talks first wins. And win I did. In all kinds of ways. And lose I did in all kinds of ways. In the end this person was never my true friend and their life now is great. Or I guess it is as this person has never spoken to me again. And rightly so. So I figure Karma is going to get me one day.  I would never let anyone in that close again for fear they may do to me what I did to my other friend. Do you know I have gone 25-30 years without having a truly tell all your secrets, greatest fears, greatest hopes and dreams friend again. So I guess this is where I lost. My friend seems to have lots of great friends. I see them from time to time. Maybe they won’t hurt my old friend like I did. I do wonder if my old friend ever learned to trust friends again. Hopefully. Maybe that is my pay back. My old friends has great friends and I have Frog. And Frog is not someone I would tell my secrets to. Sometimes I wait for Karma to get me. Does Karma wait 30 years? Or did I just make everyone stand up open our eyes and move on from some pretty messed up relationships. Could that be it? Could I have done the best thing for everyone involved. At the time I thought I did. Now 30 years later, I sometimes miss my old friend and all the bad things we did together.

Valentine’s Day

I am not a Valentine’s person. It really makes me mad that I can get roses for $50 last week or next but $100 this week. Get me a card but no flowers. Stupid made up day to sell more flowers. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

I’m Bored

I am bored. When that happens all kind of things go bad for me. I get bored mostly in the winter time. I tend to start looking up old friends, I should not be talking to. I also get a crush on someone. I call it my winter crushes. I know married people should not have crushes but I always do. I get so bored looking at the same person every day. People tell me,  do things to keep in interesting. All those little things I loved 15 years ago, they just make me ill now. It gets worse every year. One day I am worried my crushes may get me in trouble. I love the way it makes me feel when someone knew smiles at me or flirts with me. I love to flirt back. I know this is how it starts but I always just move on before the flirting gets me in trouble. The kids are getting older and I feel like I need a change. Something different. I wonder if this happens to my spouse?  I know I won’t ever leave or do anything to hurt my spouse but sometimes I think, if my spouse left I would be ok with that. I would be lonely but I am a strong person and I know I would be just fine. I can not wait for summer. Then I am too busy to have a winter crush.

The Grammy’s

Never really watch them but this weekend I did. I thought they did a great job. Not a Kayne West fan at all and I am glad he lost the big one. Loved Amy Winehouse. Not sure if she was sober or not but still loved her.  I really liked the Gospel music part. That was different and really cool. Too bad Whitney Houston did not show up and sing. Could have been her come back!

Dreams

Last night I had the strangest dream. This amazes me since I dont normally dream. I went to a new Church where the pastor was hot! I mean tall, dark handsome really hot. After Church (which lasted 5 mins) we went for a walk, with my kids! Oh yeah and we started hooking up, then I woke up. Ok I know my marriage sucks but to dream about a preacher is a little bit strange even for me. I don’t even really go to Church anymore. I can not sit there and know in my heart I am so bored with my marriage that I could possible cheat. Sometimes I look at other people and just like for a while, I would love to be single and flirt and just have a good time in general. I wish I could remember what my cute, hot, forbidden pastor looked like in my dream. Now it is all a cloud of fog. I found this dream really crazy. What hot single pastor out there would actually act on forbidden crushes. If there is one, please don’t tell me. That is too much for my mind to handle.  I have heard of people having work crushes and sometimes, I find myself looking for one. But I  think Church crushes would lock me right out of Heaven.

Brittney

The week is almost over now. It has been a long week. I can not seem to stop reading all the information out there to Brittney Spears. I admit it, I am hooked. I never knew someone could be that bad off and get released from the hospital. Being a parent, I like to believe that her parents are trying to do what is best for her. Maybe not, but I hope so. It is very clear something is not right with her. That manager she has, he has a lot to lose if her parents get her help. He could lose all that money she brings in. And that is a lot of money. Do you get the feeling he was just in hog heaven when he finally “in” with Brit Brit? I am sure a lot of people would be. It is sad to say but everytime the news comes on, I wait for it to be about her death. She is so young and to have your mental problems displayed for the world to see has to be horrible. As a parent, I hope the Judge keeps her away from her children. But only until she gets the help she needs. She should not lose them forever.

First Blog

Ok so this is my first blog. I wanted a blog to put my random thoughts down but right now, just not ready to attach my name to this. I want to be random. I want to be able to put my thoughts out there about family, friends, work etc. but not really ready for them to know it. I am not a typical girl and don’t have tons of friends to talk to so I thought I would go top secret on this. Then I can put my thoughts down and people can judge the blog and not me. Whether you believe it or not, people always judge. It is in our genes. We judge, we talk about others behind their back, we snicker, we tease. Have you been to post secret.com? That is what I wanted, a blog for me to talk about whatever I want, no matter how awful it seems to other people. This is my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am living it correctly or just off in a fantasy world. You don’t have to comment or if you do ever leave your name. I don’t care who you are and I don’t want you to care who I am. But I know you will….

I have a friend, I will call her Frog. I love Frog to death, she is one of my BFF’s. But Frog has other friends (as she should). Frog gets pissy with them and tells me all kinds of stuff behind their back. Now we are grown, I mean really grown. We are not in our twenties or even thirties but yet we still act like middle schoolers. I so wonder if Frog gets pissy with me does she talk about me. What about my parenting skills, or my home life that I want private. I don’t know but I can tell you that this is why no matter how long we have been BFF’s, she doesn’t know anything about my private thoughts or feelings. She knows enough but the REALLY big stuff, well only I know those. I have secrets, I don’t tell anyone. Kind of big ones too. Great Gossip stuff. But I can not tell her, I really dont trust her. I guess for now those will stay with me. Maybe I can talk about them here since here – i am just butterfly.